i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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