i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
