i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
