He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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