Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
