you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The Olympian is in my bed
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
