but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
