Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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