haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
