My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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