Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
