I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
