dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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