what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
