If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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