dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
