Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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