i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
