question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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