two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
