What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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