Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
