My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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