Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
