it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
