how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
