Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
