i would punch a child for taco bell
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
