So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
