im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
