Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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