We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
God, I missed his penis.
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