I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
