My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I forgot wine drunk hurts
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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