dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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