so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
