My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We are two peas in an std pod
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
