I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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