she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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