I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
