I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
