John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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