I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
