I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
