my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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