your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
