GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
