you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
