she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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