dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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