I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
